Learning to ask the right questions is always the right thing

One of the side benefits of writing an ethics column for the past 23 years is that there is no shortage of people who feel compelled to tell me what to write about. Those who send questions or suggestions about topics are a gift. There are, however, a whole other group of people who simply want me to agree with them about something.

Early on, I used to believe I couldn’t do much with those types of messages. If, for example, a reader wants me to take on a school system for hiring a superintendent who was mean when they were both children, that kind of falls beyond what I try to do. I can try to help a reader sort out the ethics of holding a grudge, but I won’t jump in and take something on simply because someone else doesn’t like it.

If these 15 months of working remotely and conducting a large part of my life online have reminded me of anything, however, it’s the importance of listening closely and trying to ask questions in a way that helps someone express concerns, hopes, dreams in a way that makes things clear to me.

Throughout the pandemic, my wife, Nancy, and I have each worked online. I have taught from my computer upstairs in our home and she has seen clients from her laptop downstairs. We’ve tried to break up the days by getting out for long walks or masked trips to the local market. But mostly, we have been online using various platforms to stay connected to our work. We are each pretty facile with technology, but I have become her de facto IT department.

When Nancy’s screen would freeze or she was having trouble logging on to the logon screen that enabled her to logon to another logon screen, she would ask if I had a minute to help. When I would see she had something open on her screen she couldn’t seem to navigate out of, initially I would ask: “What did you do?”

I learned quickly how wrong a question that was to ask. For me, it was a question to get at how she ended up at the screen she was on. What she heard in my question was a suggestion she had somehow done something wrong which was never the case. I no longer begin our IT sessions with that question but instead try to get at what she is trying to do to help figure a way to do it. She often figures a solution before I do.

The experience reminded me that listening to people and asking them questions in a way that gets at what matters without sounding accusatory or judgmental is the right thing to do. That reminder caused me to be far more patient with those who write in to tell me I should believe as they do as opposed to asking me how I might believe. By asking them what it is that troubles them about an issue I’ve found that our conversation often leads to something fruitful even if we end up disagreeing.

If we can find a way to talk with and listen to one another, then disagreeing is OK. Not listening is not.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2021 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Should you let your kids win at games?

My youngest grandson Lucas is a gifted athlete. I am not.

Throughout grade school and high school, Lucas was a competitive gymnast and played on his school’s soccer team. While he wasn’t a huge fan of football, basketball or baseball, whenever he engaged in a pickup game his skills were clear from the start.

Table tennis, however, was a different story.

We had purchased a used ping pong table for our unfinished basement when Lucas was about seven years old. Lucas had never played before but he was game to learn even if he barely could reach over the table. I am not a great player but I’d played occasionally as a kid and could patiently return most volleys.

After I taught Lucas the rules, we’d play often when he visited. He got better, but each time he lost. The consistent losses went on for several years, but Lucas never stopped wanting to play.

I have always been clear with my children and grandchildren that I won’t let them win at games. Sometimes I might play harder than others, but that has more to do with my level of energy. I’m not a cutthroat player at most things and I try not to be a jerk about winning. I also make sure to encourage the kids by observing how much better they are getting and to remind them of the importance of playing fairly.

But after four or more years of never losing a ping-pong game to Lucas, I began to wonder if it was wrong not to let him win just to boost his confidence. Sure, we’d start over after I was up 13 points to nothing. Or I’d give him an occasional do-over when he’d mistakenly hit the ball with his hand rather than the paddle, but I never let him win.

Like most kids, Lucas doesn’t like to lose. But he never gave up and never lost interest in playing in spite of years of losing.

Sometime after Lucas turned 13, he won his first game of ping pong against me. The next time, he won two games. Each time we played after that he’d win more and more games. He’s still never shut me out in a game, but it’s become a struggle for me to win at least one game over the course of a weekend.

I am not a child psychologist. I don’t know if experts in child development will tell you that letting a child occasionally win at a game even when they lose is somehow good for the child. But I can tell you that even today, being honest with Lucas about how I wasn’t going to let him win still feels like the right thing to have done. It was and remains a chance to model honesty.

Lucas was thrilled when he won his first game of ping pong against me partly because he knew he had worked hard and really won. He learned the importance of patience and persistence.

Lucas just turned 20. Last weekend, I took the first game of ping pong and he won the next two.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2021 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

If you want to avoid public gatherings, just stay home

As more people become vaccinated against COVID-19 and restrictions on group gatherings are lifted, more invitations have been arriving in my inbox for in-person meet-ups or events. Some of these are for small gatherings. Others are for larger gatherings. Almost all assure me that others in attendance will be fully vaccinated.

After 15 months of working, occasionally socializing, and, more often than I'd have liked, mourning virtually, you might think I'd jump at the chance to be among others in person. But I find myself leaning into my inner Bartleby whose famous refrain in Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener" was "I'd prefer not to."

I also find myself regularly asked by readers and others if it's wrong to simply tell someone you'd rather not join them even if you've enjoyed their company in the past because, well, you really don't want to.

Some of my reticence to return to the active in-person social or professional life I'd had in the past is simply a matter of time. While working remotely may have saved me hours of commuting time, shifting to a virtual world has consumed far more hours of preparation, scheduling, and accommodating the varying time zones of those with whom I work. If I were to travel to attend and spend time at in-person events that would take away from the time still needed to complete many tasks already in front of me. I joke with others that this is a space-time continuum challenge. OK, it's not really a joke.

But my real reluctance for grasping at every kind invitation is that, after a year of going full tilt on Zoom, Skype or cell phones or other electronic means of connecting, I simply want to cherish as many moments of silence as possible whether these involve long-put-off repair jobs around the house or finishing reading the pile of books stacked on my bedside table.

In 1992, when I was an editor at a magazine in Boston, I was charged with lining up new regular columnists. One of the writers I tried to entice was the poet, novelist and essayist Wendell Berry. I'd been a fan of his work and while it was a longshot he'd ever respond let alone agree to become a columnist. Still, I wrote to him with the invitation to consider.

Much to my surprise, he responded with a handwritten note on a pre-printed card. The note indicated that he already had as much work on hand as he could hope to do but he expressed gratitude for my kind request. The pre-printed part of his card contained a poem he had written to send to the many people who request he do any number of things including reviewing manuscripts, appearing on TV, giving professional advice, giving a public speech and interpreting Scripture.

"I'm almost not doing anything that can't be done at home," Berry wrote toward the end of his poem. "To your health, Friend! Try staying home yourself."

When faced with an invitation to a personal gathering after 15 months of adapting to a life of virtual connectivity, the right thing is to respond honestly and simply decline if you'd prefer not to go. I cherish the moments now that I get to stay home especially now that I don't have to. 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2021 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Neighbors should give neighbors a heads up on upcoming work that affects their property

In May, housing prices in the United States were up 13.2% over the previous 12 months. That’s the highest gain in housing prices since 2005. While housing prices had started to increase before the pandemic partly because of low interest rates, they rose further as workers started working remotely and started looking for different types of houses in perhaps different types of neighborhoods.

Phoenix may have experienced the largest gains in housing prices with a 20% increase, but many other cities witnessed or are witnessing a surge in demand that continues to drive up prices. In Boston, where a reader we’re calling Betty lives, housing prices are up about 14% over the past year.

“There’s a lot of renovating and new construction in my neighborhood where I’ve lived for the past 40 years,” writes Betty. “Neighbors are fixing up their houses or selling. And there are constant pile-drivers going during the week where every spot of buildable land seems to be getting developed.”

Betty writes that a few days ago painters began setting up outside the house next door to her. There was no sign of the owner, but she’d noticed that a lot of trash had been put out by the neighbor recently including old furniture and bric-a-brac. Betty suspected that the owner was preparing her house to put it on the market and the arrival of the house painters seemed to confirm her suspicion.

“We live in the city and there is less than 20 feet between her house and mine,” writes Betty. “I know the painters are trying to be thoughtful by covering my garden with a drop cloth, but I don’t know how long the garden won’t be getting sun or water when the plants might need it most to grow and bloom. I didn’t have a chance to make sure everything was watered thoroughly before it got covered up.” Betty’s neighbor never alerted her to the painters covering over her garden and that strikes her as wrong.

“Shouldn’t the neighbor next door have checked to make sure I’m OK with having the painters cover my garden with a drop cloth?” she asks. Betty believes her neighbor has crossed a line and she wants to know what the right thing to do is now that the line has crossed into her garden bed.

The painters did indeed seem to be thoughtful by covering over anything that might get covered with old paint scrapings or new paint splatters. But it was thoughtless of the owner to not give the neighbors on either side of her house a heads up that painters would be arriving or clear with them anything that would infringe on their property, whether that meant covering over a plant bed or moving an automobile.

If Betty truly doesn’t want her garden covered with a drop cloth she should ask the painters to remove it. Or she might want to ask them how long during the day they plan to keep the drop cloth on.

The right thing would have been for Betty’s neighbor to talk with her and other neighbors before the work began. Given that she didn’t, the right thing now is to comply with whatever Betty asks them to do if it involves their work materials on her property. 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2021 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.