Shut up and listen

"Silence is the weapon," writes Robert A. Caro in his 2019 book, Working: Researching, Interviewing, Writing. "Silence and the people's need to fill it." 

Caro is writing about an interviewing trick he uses when researching the biographies he writes about leaders and politicians. The premise is that we each have a tendency to fill the void of silence when we are talking with someone. There's a discomfort in a conversation if there's a bit of a lull and to fend off that discomfort our instinct is to occupy it with the sound of our own voices.

When interviewing someone, whether as a journalist, a hiring manager, a teacher, or anyone else, knowing that the person we're speaking with is likely to be the most revealing during these momentary silences is an important mechanism to have at our disposal. It might be painful as a teacher to stand in front of a class full of silent students, but giving them time to fill the void after a question is posed can be just the thing to engage the entire class in a robust discussion.

Caro's technique is one I've used for years when I am researching or reporting for an article or book. It's also one that I've come to find useful in teaching. And it's one I pass on to students in my writing class, encouraging them to embrace it as well.

Because I get paid to talk for a living, I often find myself tempted to talk too much. Not just in my professional life, but in my personal life as well.

I bring all of this up because it seems increasingly clear that many people have a hard time standing down when others are speaking. Too often, a casual conversation devolves into each party talking over one another. Or, a stage for public discourse results in one party interrupting the other, muttering under his or her breath, or speaking loudly over everyone else in the room.

The end result is that whoever is speaking rarely hears anyone but himself or herself. When I was asked to give a talk to prospective scholarship students who were about to be interviewed by a faculty committee at Bethany College in West Virginia, I joked (sort of) with them that they should let the faculty interviewer speak as much as possible because the end result would be that the faculty member would come away believing it was the smartest conversation they ever had.

But vying to fill every silence, to stave off others' ability to contribute does nothing to broaden our outlook or to deepen our understanding that ours is not the only view in the air. If we have a hope of ever reaching consensus or getting unstuck when we are tackling a particularly challenging task, the right thing is to force ourselves to listen to others, even when we find it painful to do so - even, and especially, if their views are wildly opposed to our own. We should certainly speak up and let our voices be heard, but we should just as forcefully learn to listen. Now this is, of course, excluding views that are outright hateful or oppressive in nature. But reasonable differences in opinion should always get equal airtime to the extent that they are productive in nature.

Need help getting started learning the art of active listening? Caro writes that his technique of doing this was to take his pen and write "SU" over and over in the margins of his notes when he was interviewing. It was shorthand to remind himself to shut up. It wouldn't hurt and it is likely to help if each of us learned to shut up and listen from time to time. 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2020 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

College essay help 101: The difference between advising and writing

The pandemic has altered many fall rituals. Big crowds at school football games are taking a season off in the interest of public health. Bellying up to a crowded bar to watch sports is not a thing this year, and I imagine Halloween celebrations in my neighborhood will not be the same this year. Many of our kids are taking midterms from home rather than at school. It is also likely that large Thanksgiving gatherings will be smaller although we will be a bit more thankful for the people who continue to help each of us figure out how to manage our way through the pandemic.

One October ritual hasn't changed, however. High school seniors are scurrying to complete college applications. And they continue to struggle with how to write the perfect college admissions essay.

For several years, my wife, Nancy (a former book editor), and I have worked with some students to advise them on their essays. Is it ethical for students to get such assistance? Sure. Is it OK for students to have someone else write their essays for them? No. And it's important for any advisor, student, or parent to recognize the difference.

We spend a lot of time talking with the students to get a sense of who they are before they write. In past years we met in person, but this year we are connecting via Zoom, a platform each of us has come to know very well in the course of our day-to-day work.

Once we get to know the student, we find out where they might be applying. To keep from crossing the line from advising to doing the work for the student, we follow some basic principles. We make copious margin comments. We suggest cuts if their essays are running long but tell them that they should make the first pass since these are their words not ours. We ask questions when their writing is unclear. We have them read their essays aloud to see if it sounds like them and to catch typos. My wife and I never re-write anything ourselves. And we always remind the students that they have final say on when the essay is done.

We don't pretend to have all the answers about how to do these essays best. Nor do we take credit for the large percentage of students we've worked with who get accepted into the colleges to which they've applied. Their life experiences, transcripts, recommendations and smart choices about where to apply are the out-sized factors. We just help them try to get their thoughts laid out clearly in their essays to enhance their chances. We always listen to them and let them take the lead because that seems like the right thing to do. 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2020 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Should student choose her expensive dream school?

A reader we're calling Olivia who is from a Midwestern state is planning to attend college. She has been accepted to the University of Cambridge in England, which she writes "has been my dream for years."

Olivia is struggling, however, with Cambridge's steep price tag of more than $100,000 for four years. "I know Cambridge would give me the best undergraduate education I can get in my subject," she writes, "but I could also attend a prestigious university like McGill for roughly $60,000, about a third of the cost of Cambridge."

Olivia's parents assure her that they can afford to pay for Cambridge and they don't want her to take cost into account when deciding where to attend. "But $160,000 is a huge sum," Olivia notes, and she feels guilty when her friends tell her that they don't know how their families are going to be able to finance their education.

"I find myself dodging the question when people ask how much Cambridge will cost and whether I have scholarships," she writes. She also worries about buyer's remorse. "I'm concerned my time at Cambridge would be tainted by the feeling that I should have spent my parents' hard-earned savings on a perfectly good, cheaper school like McGill."

Olivia writes that she can't shake the feeling that she is exploiting her economic privilege. "Can I go to Cambridge in good conscience when I could get a good education elsewhere for a fraction of the cost?"

Olivia's email reminds me of just how expensive college tuition, room and board, and fees have become. Getting into college is challenging enough. Being able to afford it once you're accepted presents an insurmountable hurdle for many. Being saddled with sizable student loans upon graduation is hardly an ideal solution, but it's one that many students face after spending four years at the school they've dreamed of attending. Some universities are beginning to offer tuition waivers for admitted students whose families fall below a certain income level, a move that strikes me as a start toward addressing some of the economic disparities facing college-bound students.

But based on what she writes, Olivia's family does not seem to be unable to afford the tuition at whatever college she chooses to attend. Evaluating cost should still certainly be a factor, but if her parents advise her to choose from the colleges to which she's been accepted based on which provides her the best opportunity to study in the field she desires, she should listen to them.

If in her evaluation process it turns out that Olivia is equally torn between Cambridge and McGill, it seems a no-brainer to choose the less expensive of the two. But if Cambridge truly seems to provide her with the best educational options, she's wise to trust her parents' advice.

That Olivia is struggling with how to reconcile the cost her parents will face from her four years at Cambridge suggests that she doesn't embrace the idea that she is entitled to whatever she wants regardless of the cost. It strikes me that the right thing to do in making a college choice is to try to find the best fit at the strongest college you can afford. And the right thing for colleges would be to find a way to make tuition affordable for all who are admitted without expecting them to take on crippling debt. 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2020 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Does wedding invite slight spell the end of a long-time relationship?

Family dynamics can be a struggle. Trying to avoid slighting a relative can be even tougher when large family gatherings are organized but not everyone gets an invite. Being forthright and honest can sometimes minimize damage, but it doesn't guarantee feelings still won't be hurt.

A reader on the West Coast we're calling Nora had a sister who died about a decade ago. Nora's sister had a daughter (Nora's niece) who married and has two children, a son and a daughter (Nora's great-nephew and great-niece), each now in their 20s. Nora discovered through other family members that her great-nephew had a large formal wedding in the Southwest prior to the pandemic shutdown.

"He did not invite me or my mother - his great-grandmother - to his wedding," Nora writes.

When Nora asked her great-nephew about it, he told her that his wife's family was large and they were concerned about cost.

"Cost was not really an issue with him," Nora writes, noting that she and her mother might have decided not to attend the wedding, but they at the very least expected an invitation. How Nora knows that the cost was not an issue for her great-nephew is not clear.

 "We have kept in touch with him throughout his life," Nora writes, "never having any problems with him or his family." She indicates that she is "devastated by being ignored."

Nora wants to know if her great-nephew was wrong not to invite her and her mother.

While Nora's great-nephew and his spouse might still be basking in the joy of their new marriage, they now face their great-aunt's hurt feelings over being slighted.

Did the great-nephew have an ethical obligation to invite Nora and her mother? Not really. It is entirely up to the bride and groom (and presumably whoever is footing the bill as well) to set a cap on how many people are invited.

Nora's great-nephew might have diminished the awkwardness a bit if he had let her know before the wedding that they were keeping the invite list small enough that he wouldn't be able to invite her. A difficult conversation, to be sure. But one that might have soothed some ill feelings.

If cost was indeed the reason, then Nora's great-nephew was right to provide that explanation. Whether or not Nora believes that is up to her, but it's reasonable that even if there were funds available the young couple might have wanted to limit wedding expenses. If Nora is correct, and cost wasn't the deciding factor, her grandnephew would have been wrong to lie to her about that.

While I can understand Nora's dismay at not being invited, the right thing to do now that she has expressed her disappointment to her great-nephew is to decide whether all of those years she and her mother have kept in touch with him are worth trying to continue. The slight may sting, but, ultimately, punishing the young couple by cutting off ties might hurt Nora more in the long run. That, too, is a cost she will need to weigh. 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin. 

(c) 2020 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.