How obligated are we if we agree to keeping a confidence?
A reader we’re calling Willa recently traveled out of town to spend a few days minding her teenaged grandchildren while their parents were away. While there, Willa’s teenage granddaughter whom we’re calling Addie told her that she had recently solved a trigonometry program in her high school math class that her teacher had never seen before.
The teacher told Addie that he would try to help her publish her solution in an academic journal but gave Addie just a few days to decide if she wanted to do it. Addie told her teacher that she’d think about it, but feared that if her parents knew, there would be even more pressure on her to succeed in school, including possibly summer school. Willa writes that Addie is already an excellent and conscientious student, but she believes that “enough is enough” when it comes to doing extra work in school.
Addie asked her grandmother not to tell Addie’s parents or anybody else about her dilemma. Willa agreed, but when she returned home she told her husband and asked his opinion of how she might advise Addie. Willa writes that her husband thought Addie deserved their support and suggested language for her to use in a text to her that urged her to consider trying to publish her solution.
Addie thanked her grandmother, but now Willa thinks Addie is upset with her because she violated her confidence. Willa’s husband isn’t convinced a teenager should be allowed to let her short-term concerns, however legitimate, determine an action that could potentially impact her life positively in the long run. But what Willa really wants to know is if she was wrong to tell her husband about the situation.
While Willa’s husband may be correct that publishing a solution to a math problem might be a boon to Addie’s high school record, so too might trying out for a sport or activity at which an adviser believes she would excel. Not seizing every opportunity, even the rare ones, might seem myopic, but ultimately, if they trust that Addie knows it would be too much pressure, it seems wise to trust her as she considers her choice.
When asked to keep a confidence, before agreeing to do so, the right thing is to get clear with the requester what they are asking and if you agree to be as clear as possible what you’re agreeing to.
It would have been wrong for Willa to agree not to tell her husband and then to do so. Willa could have told Addie she wouldn’t say anything to Addie’s parents but that she doesn’t keep any secrets from Addie’s grandfather. That way, Addie would have been prepared for the text from her grandmother when it arrived. All bets would have been off if Addie has confided something that was likely to put her in a dangerous situation, but that’s not the case here.
Willa clearly cares about Addie and wanted to give her the best advice possible while still providing her room to make her own decision. Addie might be upset with her grandmother for violating a confidence, but she also might be upset because her grandmother is giving her advice to consider doing something she might not want to do. That Willa offered that advice should send Addie the message of just how much she cares about her.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
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