A compelling example of powerful storytelling

Twenty-three years ago, I wrote a column about how storytelling was an effective tool to communicate ideas.

''People just don't simply hear stories,'' Joseph L. Badaracco Jr., a business ethics professor at Harvard Business School, told me. ''It triggers things -- pictures, thoughts and associations -- in their minds.'' That makes the stories ''more powerful and engaging,'' he said.

The challenge for such storytelling was captured in the titles my editor gave the column: “Storytelling Only Works if Tales are True.” If in the effort to convey an idea, the storyteller clearly crosses the line and simply makes stuff up, the power of the story is lost on the audience.

“The real challenge for any storyteller in business,” I concluded, “is to know that for the message of the story to ring true, the facts of it must have integrity as well.”

I bring this up now because I recently came across two examples of not-for-profit organizations using storytelling as powerful ways to address the needs of two different groups of people: military veterans and hospitalized children.

SongwritingWith: Soldiers (https://songwritingwithsoldiers.org/) runs regular retreats for veterans at which, among other things, they work with seasoned songwriters to help them tell their own stories through a song. (Full disclosure: My favorite oldest grandchild is active military although he has no association with SW:S.) The veterans are not professional musicians, but work with those who are. Judging from some of the songs that can be found online, the results are quite something – not just for the quality of the songs, but mostly because veterans are given a way to articulate their experiences that otherwise might have gone untold. (There are other groups using music as a therapeutic tool with military veterans, some of which can be found here: https://www.operationwearehere.com/musictherapy.html.)

Writers Inc. (https://www.writersincorporated.org/) also uses storytelling as a therapeutic tool, but the participants in this program are hospitalized children. Working with seasoned writers and editors, hospitalized children are helped to tell their own stories. Some of these stories end up as published books. Others create illustrated cards or painting. Writers Inc. works to find the best outlet for each child to tell his, her or their story. The child retains all copyright to any book published. (Full disclosure: One of my favorite former graduate students is one of the writers working with hospitalized children through Writers Inc.)

There is no charge to the military veterans or hospitalized children who participate in either program, which is a pretty good story itself.

Writers Inc. and SW:S are not the only programs that aim to use the arts as a method of enabling hospitalized children or military veterans to share and manage their respective experiences. But these two are strong examples of how powerful storytelling can be.

During a season where charitable giving is often more top of mind, I share the story of these two not-for-profits that operate based on the kindness of those who see fit to help foot the bill for the cost of operating. Of course, the right thing is for each of us to decide what charitable efforts we choose to support. Nevertheless, both SW:S and Writers Inc. have a compelling story to tell.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

 

Time to share your acts of kindness

Once again, I’m asking you to share moments of kindness you’ve experienced. I’ll start by sharing a few recent incidents that occurred during a recent trip to go teach for a few days in Morocco.

There are no direct flights from Boston to Casablanca, so a change was required on the trip over at JFK Airport in New York. The flight from Boston was on schedule, but the connecting flight from JFK was delayed several hours.

After repeated delays, the airline offered food vouchers of a modest amount to passengers waiting for the flight that could be used at any of the restaurants or stands selling snacks in the airport. People collected their vouchers and some went off searching for food. There was one family with three small children in tow among the passengers. The children were well-behaved but clearly were growing restless. Without hesitation several passengers offered the family their vouchers so they could go sit for a meal before the flight.

Later, as my phone was nearly depleted of its charge, I found a charging station where many passengers, including me, lined up their devices to be plugged in. As I sat waiting, a young man walked up, plugged in his phone and sat next to me. We got to talking and I discovered that he had just graduated college in New Zealand and was flying home after a week with his father in New York City where neither of them had ever been. The morning of their departure, the father and son had a bit of a tiff and while the son went off to the airport, the father told him he’d meet him later.

The son was growing nervous because his departure time was getting closer and he saw no sign of his father. After his phone had charged, he showed me a couple of photos of him and his dad on their trip, and then he went off in search of him in the airport.

A few minutes later, I saw a man who looked like his father, approached him, and told him his son was looking for him. He looked befuddled at first and then went off in search of his son. Because the airport was crowded, they apparently kept passing each other. Eventually, I saw the son, asked him to wait where I was and then went off to find where I had just seen his father go. Finally, they were reunited.

Later in Rabat, after deciding to take the local bus into town, I hadn’t realized I would need to transfer midway. Being deposited in a small village and not speaking Arabic, I had no idea how to ask about getting on the right bus. A woman who must have seen me searching around for clues, came up to me, asked, “Rabat?” and then held up fingers to represent the number of the bus I needed to get on.

In each case, someone, including me, tried to do the right thing by showing kindness to someone else in need.

Now, it’s time for you to share some acts of kindness you’ve experienced. Tell me who and where you are and email your stories to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. I will try to share some of your stories in the weeks ahead.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

In spite of Machiavelli, I will choose love over fear every time

“They will eat you alive.”

Those words are advice I received when I started teaching at my last academic outpost. The speaker was commenting on how important it was not to show vulnerability when I taught or to give those in the room a sense of when, if ever, I thought I may have erred and needed to correct myself out loud in the process of teaching.

I mostly ignored the advice and find it pretty useful not to try to convince students that I know stuff when I don’t, regardless of how often that is. But the advice stuck with me.

What also stuck with me is the colleague who occasionally introduced me as one of the nicest people on campus, but in a way that seemed to suggest this wasn’t a good thing. In the southern United States, there’s an expression, “Bless his heart,” which sounds positive when it is the opposite.

That vulnerability and niceness are seen as a leadership weakness is nothing new. In the early 16th century, Niccolo Machiavelli wrote “The Prince,” a book that was intended to advise Lorenzo di Piero de’ Medici, the ruler of Florence, how to stay in power. In “The Prince,” Machiavelli wrote that “it is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”

His reasoning might strike some as sound. “Men worry less about doing an injury to one who makes himself loved than to one who makes himself feared,” wrote Machiavelli. “For love is secured by a bond of gratitude which men, wretched creatures that they are, break when it is to their advantage to do so; but fear is strengthened by a dread of punishment which is always effective.”

In other words, we have a better shot of getting people to fall in line if they fear the consequences of doing otherwise. When push comes to shove, they might break with us even if they love us since the consequences are less dire.

The term “Machiavellian” has come to have sinister overtones and to connote someone who is unscrupulous particularly when it comes to politics. The sense that you should choose fear over love as a leadership tactic when you can’t have both remains pervasive.

Fear can indeed be a great motivator. But I refuse to buy that it represents a better outcome in any type of relationship. If you want followers to help you lead or do whatever it is you want to accomplish, the chances of them speaking their mind when it might go counter to what you believe are lessened if they quiver in fear. If instead they respect (or love) you, then the chances are greater that they will offer ideas that might never have crossed your mind or run counter to what they know to be your typical way of doing things.

Leading by fear too often leads to bullying others into accepting that it’s your way or the highway. Leading with love and respect – and vulnerability – is more likely to lead to a shared vision or goal.

Competence is important, yes. Preparation is critical. But if given the choice between working for someone whom I fear vs. someone I love and respect, I will continue to believe the latter is the right thing to do. I will also continue to try to lead the same way whenever given the opportunity.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

When someone’s name slips our memory

A reader from California who we’re calling Harry has been reading “The Right Thing” column for many years. Over the past 15 years or so, I’ve received an occasional email from Harry responding to the content of a column or offering his own bit of wisdom to a situation about which I’ve written.

Harry now faces an awkward situation for which he’d like some guidance. He’s been retired for several years, but he still attends functions where former coworkers are also in attendance.

“Unfortunately, in some cases I cannot remembers the names of some folks who know my name and greet me with gusto,” wrote Harry. “It feels awkward to ask, and I don’t want my memory lapse to cause hurt feelings, although it feels just as awkward to flail about hoping for a clue.”

In his email, Harry asks what the most ethical way to proceed might be, finishing with the observation that my answer might come in handy at some upcoming college reunions he hopes to attend.

It can indeed be awkward to forget names even if you remember faces. In The Simple Art of Business Etiquette, a book I wrote a few years ago, I suggested that one way to try to offset the forgotten name was to introduce someone whose name you did remember to the person whose name you didn’t and hope that that person would be courteous enough to introduce themselves by name.

But that’s not a technique that always works in workplace settings. It strikes me that the only wrong response for Harry to make would be to lie or make something up or pretend to know something he doesn’t know.

If Harry is having a good conversation with someone, then there’s no need to stop that conversation to admit that you don’t know the person’s name, unless there’s some compelling reason right then to need to know it. Instead, Harry could finish that conversation and then find a former coworker whose name he did remember and ask for a refresher on any names on which he feels the need.

Harry is kind not to want to make anyone feel slighted because he can’t always remember their name. There are likely just as many people at these gatherings who don’t remember Harry’s name either. But the right thing may be not to make more of the situation than needs making.

Perhaps Harry’s current predicament is exactly why name tags with a person’s name and graduation year are commonplace at college reunions. I’ve yet to attend a high school or college reunion, but if I did at this point it’s likely few of my classmates would recognize me. Few of us had white hair and beard when we were in school. It’s likely that many if not most wouldn’t remember me or my name.

Nevertheless, we can persist in having a conversation and catching up on what if anything we would like to catch up on. Treating one another decently and civilly seems far more important than remembering all the names perfectly.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Less screaming and more listening may yield better arguments

What’s the right thing to do when you disagree with someone in public?

I’ve spoken and written before about how to discuss topics that can be charged (for example, politics, religion, baseball) calmly and productively with others. One tip I have previously offered is to turn off news programs where people with differing views resort to yelling at one another rather than listening to what one another has to say.

We should be able to have a civil discussion even if we disagree with one another. One key is not to try to convert someone over to your way of thinking. Rather, listen to his or her view, then share your own, if, for nothing else than to try to have a better understanding of why they think the way they do.

I was reminded of how to engage civilly while disagreeing when I recently visited Alex Strum’s Advanced Placement Language and Composition class at Holliston High School in Holliston, Massachusetts, via Zoom. Mr. Strum, who had been a graduate student in a course I taught years ago, had assigned his high school juniors to read four different prompts for scenarios where an ethical choice had to be made. Each student had to choose one of the four prompts and write a one-page essay in which they built an argument to support how they’d respond to the situation presented.

One had to do with social media age requirements. Another was on the appropriateness of searching online for information on an ex-partner. Still another had to do with a middle school teacher who was worried her students didn’t like her enough. The final one had to do with working for an organization whose managers expressed views you strongly oppose.

Mr. Strum hadn’t told the students that each of the questions posed to his students were drawn from some of “The Right Thing” columns I’d written over the past 25 years. None of his students knew how I’d responded nor that I’d be visiting to discuss their responses with them.

While some high school students (or even college students) can clam up in such situations and others have perfected the excruciating discontented eye roll, at least two-thirds of Mr. Strum’s students spoke for about an hour about each question. Even after Mr. Strum asked me to reveal how I’d responded, we spoke some more. Often the students disagreed with my take. Occasionally, they agreed. But they engaged by asking clarifying questions, trying to get at why I might have answered a particular way. I posed similar questions to them. They often did a great job convincing me about thinking differently than I had on a particular issue, even if I ended up with the same response that I had originally offered. (OK, some eye-rolling might have persisted.)

Listening is one of the primary things to do when you find yourself in a disagreement with someone. As long as they listen back, the chances are elevated that the conversation might be constructive even if neither of you convinces the other to change his or her mind. An hour-long conversation with Mr. Strum’s AP class convinced me such an approach continues to be the right thing to do.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Should an unsolicited tote bag stop donor from giving?

Should you stop giving to a charity because it sends you unsolicited gifts?

That’s a question asked by a reader we’re calling Melvin. Melvin regularly gives to a charity. He’s done so for at least a decade. But over the past year, Melvin started receiving gifts such as tote bags in mailings soliciting more donations to the group. Melvin points out that the tote bag was not a thank you gift, but a gift in anticipation of another donation.

“I don’t give to get a tote bag,” wrote Melvin. “I like the work they do.”

Melvin wrote that it’s not just this, however, that concerned him. He would like to believe that the money he donates gets used to support the work the group does, not to pay for unsolicited gifts such as tote bags or other items that are used to entice donations. “I’d rather they use the money to do their work,” wrote Melvin.

Melvin is wondering whether he should find a different group to support that doesn’t spend money on such gifts. He wondered if it is wrong to stop donating to a group whose work he admires and has supported for years because of a practice he finds objectionable.

If it’s the tote bag type gift that chiefly bothers Melvin, he could ask to be taken off the mailing list for the charity so he no longer receives solicitations. He can still donate to the charity but he’ll have to do so without the reminders that come in the mail. And it’s unlikely that the charity will stop sending tote bags to everyone.

Melvin could choose to find another charity that gives similar work and give to it instead, but there’s no guarantee that any new recipient might not engage in the same sort of preemptive gift-giving to prospective donors.

The right thing is for Melvin to decide if he supports the work of this charity enough to want to help. If he does and he would like to continue giving, he can check out how much of his donation actually goes to the work being done by looking at a site like www.CharityNavigator.org, which provides an analysis of a charity’s accountability and finance, culture and community, leadership and adaptability, and impact and results. If he wants to get into more financial specifics, he can also use the website www.guidestar.org to look up the Form 990 financial form his charity fills out each year and files with the Internal Revenue Service, but these filings typically lag a couple of years before becoming available on the GuideStar site.

Good for Melvin for wanting to support a group that does work he admires and for wanting to try to make sure his dollars get used wisely. If the charity measures up in terms of financial responsibility, then it would be good to think Melvin would keep giving and not let the unsolicited tote bag turn him off.

He might even decide to start using the tote bag when he does his grocery shopping. A fellow shopper might see the charity’s logo, strike up a conversation with Melvin, and consider donating as well.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.