A reader from California who we’re calling Harry has been reading “The Right Thing” column for many years. Over the past 15 years or so, I’ve received an occasional email from Harry responding to the content of a column or offering his own bit of wisdom to a situation about which I’ve written.
Harry now faces an awkward situation for which he’d like some guidance. He’s been retired for several years, but he still attends functions where former coworkers are also in attendance.
“Unfortunately, in some cases I cannot remembers the names of some folks who know my name and greet me with gusto,” wrote Harry. “It feels awkward to ask, and I don’t want my memory lapse to cause hurt feelings, although it feels just as awkward to flail about hoping for a clue.”
In his email, Harry asks what the most ethical way to proceed might be, finishing with the observation that my answer might come in handy at some upcoming college reunions he hopes to attend.
It can indeed be awkward to forget names even if you remember faces. In The Simple Art of Business Etiquette, a book I wrote a few years ago, I suggested that one way to try to offset the forgotten name was to introduce someone whose name you did remember to the person whose name you didn’t and hope that that person would be courteous enough to introduce themselves by name.
But that’s not a technique that always works in workplace settings. It strikes me that the only wrong response for Harry to make would be to lie or make something up or pretend to know something he doesn’t know.
If Harry is having a good conversation with someone, then there’s no need to stop that conversation to admit that you don’t know the person’s name, unless there’s some compelling reason right then to need to know it. Instead, Harry could finish that conversation and then find a former coworker whose name he did remember and ask for a refresher on any names on which he feels the need.
Harry is kind not to want to make anyone feel slighted because he can’t always remember their name. There are likely just as many people at these gatherings who don’t remember Harry’s name either. But the right thing may be not to make more of the situation than needs making.
Perhaps Harry’s current predicament is exactly why name tags with a person’s name and graduation year are commonplace at college reunions. I’ve yet to attend a high school or college reunion, but if I did at this point it’s likely few of my classmates would recognize me. Few of us had white hair and beard when we were in school. It’s likely that many if not most wouldn’t remember me or my name.
Nevertheless, we can persist in having a conversation and catching up on what if anything we would like to catch up on. Treating one another decently and civilly seems far more important than remembering all the names perfectly.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin
(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
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