How far does a reader need to go when helping a neighbor?

How far do you need to go when lending a hand to a neighbor?

A reader we’re calling Monty who lives in New England wrote that he regularly likes to help out his elderly neighbors. Sometimes the help involves shoveling their sidewalks and steps after a snowstorm. Occasionally, he will help carry bags of groceries when he sees a neighbor unloading the car. Monty wrote that he likes to help out someone who needs the help and he also does it because he would like to think his neighbors would do the same for him.

Even when the help has gotten a bit more involved and included use of tools to put together a piece of furniture or to saw up a fallen tree branch after a storm, Monty has stepped in.

But Monty wrote that while he enjoys helping out, he doesn’t like to linger and “chit chat” after the work is done. And this is where Monty’s question about the right thing to do comes into play.

“One of my neighbors always insists that I sit and talk once the chore is done,” wrote Monty. “He’s a bit older and can’t do some of the things he used to do himself, so he gives me a call and I go over to help. I’m glad to help him out.”

Monty indicated that as the work is being done, he and the neighbor engage in long discussions about everything from the neighborhood and sports to politics and personal finances.

But whenever Monty tries to pack up and go home after the work is done, this neighbor insists he stay and talk for a while more. Occasionally, when Monty says he has to go home, the neighbor will respond with something like: “So now you’re too good to sit and talk?”

“I don’t want to insult him and I don’t want to feel bad about leaving,” wrote Monty. He just doesn’t enjoying sitting around chatting when he could be doing other stuff. “Is it wrong for me to tell him that I’m glad to help, but I don’t want to hang out and talk after the work is done?”

There could be all sorts of reasons Monty’s neighbor wants to continue talking. He may be a genuinely gregarious person. He may also be lonely and crave company. But Monty has no obligation to stick around and talk if he doesn’t want to. That he regularly responds to requests for help, seems to enjoy helping out, and talks with his neighbor while the work is being done is a good thing and suggests Monty is a good neighbor.

The right thing for Monty to do is to thank his neighbor for the invitation to sit and chat, but to decline the offer if he really would prefer not to. Monty should feel no guilt or remorse about doing this. And the right thing for Monty’s neighbor is to refrain from the comments that suggest Monty is doing something wrong by not wanting to sit around and talk. That Monty took the time to help should be more than enough to suggest to his neighbor that he cares about him enough to want to help.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Should you do business with someone you loathe?

Should you do business with someone you loathe?

A reader we’re calling Thérèse emailed me recently to tell me that her husband discovered that his favorite V-neck pullover dark blue cashmere sweater had a small hole in it near the left-hand shoulder. Thérèse pointed out that she had purchased the sweater as a gift for her husband.

After doing some research online for local places that could repair the sweater, she found general agreement that the best place was a small yarn shop not far from where she lived.

Here’s where things got a bit gnarled up for Thérèse. The shop’s owner is a woman involved in local politics. “My husband isn’t crazy about her or her views on local issues,” wrote Thérèse. “But he really doesn’t like the owner’s husband who is a builder who recently had his crews operating their jackhammers from early in the morning until late afternoon as they prepared to build a house in a lot in Thérèse’s neighborhood.

“I really like that sweater,” wrote Thérèse. “What should I do?”

Thérèse faces a not uncommon conundrum. She really wants something, but one of the best sources for that something is a place owned by someone with whom she would prefer not to do business. Consumers regularly face such decisions. A fast food restaurant may be owned by someone whose views run counter to your own, but it has tasty sandwich offerings. A charity collecting donations during the holidays uses those donations to help people in need, but it doesn’t condone some lifestyle choices. The founder of a large consumer goods company was widely reported to be miserable to his family. Any of these and similar circumstances is certainly enough to make doing business with them unattractive.

The choice is simple when we have options. We learn to enjoy sandwiches elsewhere or find other charities doing good works, or purchase similar products from companies whose founders are notoriously kind rather than cruel.

If Thérèse and her husband truly find the owner of the yarn shop someone they’d rather not do business with, the right thing is to find another option to repair the beloved sweater.

While reviews may have listed the yarn shop as the best, it wasn’t the only outlet offering repairs. Thérèse mentioned seeing that the local dry cleaner she’s enjoyed doing business with has a tailor on premises. That’s an alternative even if the tailor hasn’t risen to the top of the review site.

Or Thérèse can share any number of how-to mend a broken sweater videos on YouTube with her husband, give him a needle and some matching yarn and tell him to have at it. If she wants, Thérèse can help her husband mend his broken sweater.

There is little upside to being reminded that you compromised your values and did business with someone you’d prefer not to support every time you wear your cherished blue sweater.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Should she give business another chance?

Should you do business again with a business that disappointed you?

A reader we’re calling Sylvia ordered a gift from a company online for her partner, who we’re calling Ian. According to Sylvia, she placed the order in plenty of time for it to arrive for a holiday gift based on the estimated arrival date given her by the company’s website.

As the holiday grew nearer and no package arrived, Sylvia grew concerned so she contacted the company. The response from the company was that the package had been delivered and that she should check with her local post office. Sylvia dutifully did as instructed and consulted both her postal carrier and her local post office, each of whom told her there was no record of a package having been delivered to her residence.

Sylvia again emailed the company – repeatedly after it did not respond to her initial follow-up email. She still has heard nothing from the company.

The bad news is that Ian never got the gift. The good news is that Sylvia’s credit card company investigated the report of unreceived goods and credited her account so Sylvia did not end up paying for something she didn’t receive.

“I should have done this before ordering, but I went online and Googled the company and found that others had similar issues with it,” wrote Sylvia, who originally found the item from an advertisement that popped up when she was searching for possible gifts. Others reported ordering and paying for items that never arrived and subsequent customer service silence. Had she known the company had a bit of a spotty reputation, Sylvia believes she would have moved on and ordered something else from somewhere else.

But a few days ago, Sylvia received an email from the same company offering her a coupon for a significant percentage off the price of any item plus free shipping.

“The thing is, I like a lot of the items the company offers,” Sylvia wrote, indicating she remains burned by her last experience. Still, she asks: “Would it be wrong to give the company another try?”

What? Huh? There is absolutely no reason for Sylvia to feel obligated to forgive the past behavior of the company. It would be more foolish than wrong to engage again with a company that didn’t deliver the goods ordered, didn’t offer a credit until the credit card company got involved and did nothing to make good on Sylvia’s initial purchase.

Had the company stepped up and tried to help Sylvia when her initial order didn’t arrive, it might be more tempting to give the company another try. But the company did nothing, zilch, nada, leaving Sylvia high and dry and searching for a last-minute gift replacement for her beloved Ian.

The right thing is for Sylvia to trust her experience and that reported by others and to find another source of gifts for Ian and others. To paraphrase Maya Angelou: If a company shows you who it is, believe it the first time.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Looking back at another year of doing the right thing

 
A year ago, at the end of 2022, after looking at the analytics for the website where The Right Thing column gets posted after it has run in publications, it was clear that readers were drawn most to columns that touched on neighborly activity, appropriate levels of criticism and paying college students for the work they do.

In 2023, the top six viewed columns focused on leaving jobs gracefully, maintaining privacy after death, showing gratitude in tough times and learning how to support children without doing their work for them.

The sixth-most-viewed column, “If I don’t like my boss, should I flee?” ran in mid-February. In it I wrote that ultimately, the right thing to do if you don’t like your boss is not to flee the premises in search of new opportunities – although that’s sometimes an option – but instead to ask yourself just how much whatever we don’t like about the boss affects whether you can do the work you’d like to do.

The fifth-most-viewed column, “Parents should support but not do a child’s homework for them,” ran in early April. I wrote then and believe now that it is totally appropriate for parents to help a child with schoolwork as vigorously and supportively as they can, but to stop short of doing the work for them.

My Feb. 12 column, “Gratitude after a terrible week,” was in response to some particularly challenging events that my family was facing and the observation that we often don’t know what challenges others are facing. I borrowed some words that Oliver Sacks wrote when he was facing death: “I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude.”

June 4’s column, “How much privacy are we owed in death?” concluded that it was ultimately up to the chosen recipient of a deceased family member’s letters to decide how much, if anything, to disclose to others about what was in those letters.

On July 9, I wrote in “Keep the pearls, lose the rest” about when it was time to let go of old documents expressing anger or disappointment. I resolved to try to embrace the advice of an old friend who pointed out that this is what shredders are for. “Try to dwell on the bright moments of the past,” he wrote and shred whatever irritates.

Finally, by far the most viewed Right Thing column of the year was June’s “Choosing to say goodbye with a book.” As I was packing up my office to shift to emeritus status and move into different digs, I offered any book from my shelves that a visiting student might want. On a practical level, it meant less stuff to move. But it also meant that former students could have another little piece of my heart in book form.

Thank you, as always, for continuing to email your questions, stories and reactions for The Right Thing column. May your year continue to be full of doing the right thing while surrounded by those in your life who choose to do the same.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.