The Right Thing: February 2026

Sunday, February 15, 2026

Should waiters expect a tip on every meal served?

Is it wrong not to leave a minimum tip on the bill for a restaurant meal?

A reader we’re calling Lawrence reported that he recently was told of a waiter who confronted a party of five who have spent more than $230 on their meals and left a $20 tip. “You only left me $20 for a tip,” the waiter reportedly said to the group as they were leaving.

Lawrence found it unusual for a waiter to confront a party of diners, but he also wondered if the waiter was correct to determine that leaving an 8.7% tip on a meal was wrong.

In the United States, there’s an understanding that waiters typically make less than minimum wage but that the difference is made up for by the tips diners leave. If the server ends up making less than the federal minimum wage after tips are added in, the employer is obligated to make up the difference. The federal minimum wage in the United States is $7.25 per hour (a rate that hasn’t changed since 2009), and the federal tipped minimum wage is $2.13 per hour. Because the federal tipped minimum wage is below the federal minimum wage, most Americans who dine out know that most servers make a living wage based on the tips they receive.

Given this understanding, it is fair to expect that leaving a tip for a server is the right thing to do. Fifteen percent used to be the minimum you’d leave as a tip for service, although that’s creeped up to 18% of late. Many restaurants will feature how much a tip of various percentages would be at the bottom of the dinner check to make it simpler for a diner to calculate and presumably as a nudge to remind them that tipping is expected if not required.

Is a tip required? No, not unless a restaurant automatically adds one onto its checks for diners and makes it clear to diners that they will be doing so.

If service is not great, some diners will decide to leave no tip. They should realize that doing so not only reflects on the service provided, but also results in the server receiving less than minimum wage. When bad service is experienced, an alternative route might be to address concerns to the manager or to avail oneself of one of the various sites available online to leave restaurant reviews. Unless a tip is built into the final bill, however, it’s a diner’s prerogative to leave whatever tip he deems appropriate.

But back to Lawrence’s questions. No, it was not good form for the waiter to call out the diners who left a measly tip. If the restaurant wanted to make sure a minimum tip got paid, they should build that into the bill, even if doing so was bound to annoy some diners who believe they should make such decisions for themselves. Was it wrong to leave a $20 tip on a $230 meal? If the service was good enough, the right thing would have been for the diners to have left at least a 15% tip of $35 to help ensure that server made closer to a living wage. Even if the diners figured that rounding up to $250 total for their meal was just easier, it would have been good to remember that doing so didn’t make anything easier for the server.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.

Sunday, February 08, 2026

Can I leave without saying goodbye?

Is it wrong to leave an event without saying goodbye?

There’s a longstanding discussion in my family about the best way to leave a gathering. Apparently, I am guilty of lingering a bit longer than needed, trying to make sure to say goodbye to as many people as I know before I hit the door. The woman I’d eat bees for, however, is a big proponent of the Irish goodbye, particularly at larger gatherings.

The term “Irish goodbye” refers to making a quick exit from a gathering without saying goodbye. It’s also known as the “French exit” or filerà l'anglaise, which kind of translates to “leaving in the English style,” although those who know the French phrase know it means “to leave quietly.”

The rideshare company Lyft had Wakefield Research survey 1,000 people older than 21 celebrating St. Patrick’s Day (apparently Bastille Day was deemed not as popular) in 2018. More than 40% of people said they’d frequently bolted an event without saying goodbye to anyone. Half of millennials indicated they’d done so. And 75% of those surveyed indicated they had at least one acquaintance who was notorious for engaging in Irish goodbyes. Disappearing from an event is not all that uncommon.

Some of the arguments in favor of the Irish goodbye are that it’s particularly useful at a large or informal gathering or at an event where you’re not all that close to whoever it is running the event. It also saves a great deal of time that would be spent trying to hunt down as many people as possible to say goodbye to, most of whom would likely not take offense at your sudden disappearance.

Irish goodbyes are not uncommon among those who go out in small groups bar-hopping for the evening. Sometimes, apparently, one of the hoppers simply has had enough and decides to retire for the evening.

If you’re the guest of honor at an event, it’s hard to justify making an Irish goodbye. Doing so would likely put a damper on the evening. If you’re someone’s ride for the evening, it would also be inappropriate to leave without letting your passenger know they must find their own way home.

Short of leaving someone stranded or insulting those who are throwing you a party, there’s nothing ethically wrong with engaging in the Irish goodbye. If it were me, I’d let at least one person in a small group know I was leaving, even if I did so by text on my way out the door so the group didn’t worry needlessly about me. I’d also try to find the host of the event and thank them for the invite. Then again, my attempts to do the latter often end up in a string of other goodbyes on my way to finding the host. (See my family’s assessment of my capacity for lingering above.)

When it comes to leaving, the right thing is to leave the way you want to leave and let others leave as they care to as long as you avoid inconveniencing any other attendees in the process. If you do catch someone engaging in the Irish goodbye, the best thing is to let them go, although a shouted “slán leat” or “slán go fóill” wouldn’t be inappropriate as long as it doesn’t slow them down.

Sunday, February 01, 2026

Is it OK to prefer not to?

Is it wrong not to engage in activities you’d prefer not to but might be expected to?

Several months ago, a reader we’re calling Frigg started a new job at a place where it quickly became apparent that after-hours events were in abundance. Some of the events were purely social to celebrate a milestone or simply to unwind with colleagues. Others were more directly connected to the organization and often featured dinners or speakers.

Rarely, Frigg found, were the events directly related to the work she was hired to do. She was not in sales, so networking outside of work was not essential. While she was friendly with her new co-workers, she didn’t feel the need to use them to expand her social circle. When she was hired, no mention was made of the varied events outside of work that were the norm of her new workplace.

Frigg found nothing wrong with all the events her new company had. She passed no judgment on her colleagues who seemed to look forward to such events. But she found no advantage or joy in attending such events herself.

Nevertheless, at first Frigg tried to attend as many of these events as she could. She worried that by not doing so she might be insulting her colleagues or bosses. But after months of doing so, Frigg is exhausted. She would rather spend her free time with her friends and family or simply unwinding from work. She wants to know if it’s OK to decline such invitations or if it would be wrong now that she’s already gone to many.

I should preface my response to Frigg with acknowledgment that I tend to avoid social engagements organized by work. I have a friend who jokes that when someone asks me to attend something, I’m likely to respond that “I could be home having a nice piece of fish.”

Regardless of my own social proclivities, Frigg should feel free to accept or decline or accept invitations that aren’t related to her work. Sure, doing so might result in not forming closer relationships with colleagues or receiving a delicious free meal from time to time. But if Frigg would prefer to decline to engage in activities outside work, she should do so, and her colleagues and bosses should not judge her for doing so.

When it comes to work, the right thing is for Frigg to do her job as best as she can, engage with and support colleagues in the workplace, and decide how much time (if any) she wants to spend with colleagues outside of normal work hours.

When a colleague was recently contemplating accepting a promotion and was concerned about how much time would be expected of her outside work for social events, I gave her a mug with the line from Herman Melville’s story "Bartleby, the Scrivener": “I would prefer not to.”

I meant it as a joke and did not intend to suggest she refuse any opportunity to do something outside work she might like to do. But it was also a reminder that our employers should expect us to do good work, but not expect us to devote every waking hour to the job. Sometimes we need time to go home and enjoy that nice piece of fish.