Is it wrong not to engage in activities you’d prefer not to but might be expected to?
Several months ago, a reader we’re calling Frigg started a new job at a place where it quickly became apparent that after-hours events were in abundance. Some of the events were purely social to celebrate a milestone or simply to unwind with colleagues. Others were more directly connected to the organization and often featured dinners or speakers.
Rarely, Frigg found, were the events directly related to the work she was hired to do. She was not in sales, so networking outside of work was not essential. While she was friendly with her new co-workers, she didn’t feel the need to use them to expand her social circle. When she was hired, no mention was made of the varied events outside of work that were the norm of her new workplace.
Frigg found nothing wrong with all the events her new company had. She passed no judgment on her colleagues who seemed to look forward to such events. But she found no advantage or joy in attending such events herself.
Nevertheless, at first Frigg tried to attend as many of these events as she could. She worried that by not doing so she might be insulting her colleagues or bosses. But after months of doing so, Frigg is exhausted. She would rather spend her free time with her friends and family or simply unwinding from work. She wants to know if it’s OK to decline such invitations or if it would be wrong now that she’s already gone to many.
I should preface my response to Frigg with acknowledgment that I tend to avoid social engagements organized by work. I have a friend who jokes that when someone asks me to attend something, I’m likely to respond that “I could be home having a nice piece of fish.”
Regardless of my own social proclivities, Frigg should feel free to accept or decline or accept invitations that aren’t related to her work. Sure, doing so might result in not forming closer relationships with colleagues or receiving a delicious free meal from time to time. But if Frigg would prefer to decline to engage in activities outside work, she should do so, and her colleagues and bosses should not judge her for doing so.
When it comes to work, the right thing is for Frigg to do her job as best as she can, engage with and support colleagues in the workplace, and decide how much time (if any) she wants to spend with colleagues outside of normal work hours.
When a colleague was recently contemplating accepting a promotion and was concerned about how much time would be expected of her outside work for social events, I gave her a mug with the line from Herman Melville’s story "Bartleby, the Scrivener": “I would prefer not to.”
I meant it as a joke and did not intend to suggest she refuse any opportunity to do something outside work she might like to do. But it was also a reminder that our employers should expect us to do good work, but not expect us to devote every waking hour to the job. Sometimes we need time to go home and enjoy that nice piece of fish.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.
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