Lil and Anne had worked together for almost a decade.
After Lil moved on to a new job, the two had stayed in touch and regularly
socialized by going out to dinner with other former co-workers of Lil.
Together, they attended one another's family weddings, celebrated the births of
new children, and mourned the loss of family members.
But several months ago, things changed. Anne also left
her job with Lil's former employer.
"At first when we contacted her, Anne would tell us
she couldn't make an outing," writes Lil. "That quickly became the
norm." Lil and her other former coworkers understood the challenge of
trying to find a time on each of their schedules that worked for all of them to
get together. Lil was disappointed, but understood.
Then things changed even more. "Anne stopped
responding to any of us at all," Lil writes. They continued to invite her,
but there was absolutely no response. Nevertheless, they persisted and
continued to include her on group emails they shared. But for months, no
responses.
Both Lil and her other former co-workers have tried
emailing Anne directly or calling her to leave a message on her cellphone, but
still no response. Lil says that at first they were worried that something
might have happened to Anne. But those concerns were quickly allayed after each
of them would occasionally run into one of Anne's extended family members they
had met over the years. Anne had been to a family function and all seemed well.
Neither Lil nor the other co-workers pressed the family member on why Anne
might not be responding to their emails or messages.
"I don't know if we did something to offend
Anne," writes Lil, "or if she just decided she wanted to cut ties
with anyone connected with her former employer."
Lil still would like to talk with Anne and she
occasionally emails her (no response), but she wonders if it's inappropriate
for her to continue to try to connect given that Anne has made it pretty clear
she has no desire to do so. Lil had all but given up when she received an
unsolicited group email that Anne's husband sent out letting friends and
extended family know that he and Anne were raising money for a cause they had
regularly worked for in the past.
"Clearly, I'm not off of the radar entirely,"
writes Lil. "Is it wrong for me to use Anne's husband's donation request
as a way to try get in touch with Anne again? Or should I just leave things
alone, given her silence?"
If Lil would still like to try to talk with Anne, the
right thing would be to respond to her husband's email and make that clear.
Since his email indicated the fundraising request was from him and Anne, Lil
needn't worry about putting him in the middle of things. If Anne responds,
great. If she doesn't, then Lil has done her best to try to maintain the
friendship.
While the right thing would be for Anne to make clear to
her friends that she'd rather not be contacted or at the very least to respond
to their invitations, she's chosen not to. As much as she'd like to, neither
Lil nor the others can change that.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need answered? Send them to rightthing@comcast.net.
Follow him on Twitter: @jseglin
(c) 2017 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
