As more people become vaccinated against COVID-19 and restrictions on group gatherings are lifted, more invitations have been arriving in my inbox for in-person meet-ups or events. Some of these are for small gatherings. Others are for larger gatherings. Almost all assure me that others in attendance will be fully vaccinated.
After 15 months of working, occasionally socializing, and, more often than I'd have liked, mourning virtually, you might think I'd jump at the chance to be among others in person. But I find myself leaning into my inner Bartleby whose famous refrain in Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener" was "I'd prefer not to."
I also find myself regularly asked by readers and others if it's wrong to simply tell someone you'd rather not join them even if you've enjoyed their company in the past because, well, you really don't want to.
Some of my reticence to return to the active in-person social or professional life I'd had in the past is simply a matter of time. While working remotely may have saved me hours of commuting time, shifting to a virtual world has consumed far more hours of preparation, scheduling, and accommodating the varying time zones of those with whom I work. If I were to travel to attend and spend time at in-person events that would take away from the time still needed to complete many tasks already in front of me. I joke with others that this is a space-time continuum challenge. OK, it's not really a joke.
But my real reluctance for grasping at every kind invitation is that, after a year of going full tilt on Zoom, Skype or cell phones or other electronic means of connecting, I simply want to cherish as many moments of silence as possible whether these involve long-put-off repair jobs around the house or finishing reading the pile of books stacked on my bedside table.
In 1992, when I was an editor at a magazine in Boston, I was charged with lining up new regular columnists. One of the writers I tried to entice was the poet, novelist and essayist Wendell Berry. I'd been a fan of his work and while it was a longshot he'd ever respond let alone agree to become a columnist. Still, I wrote to him with the invitation to consider.
Much to my surprise, he responded with a handwritten note on a pre-printed card. The note indicated that he already had as much work on hand as he could hope to do but he expressed gratitude for my kind request. The pre-printed part of his card contained a poem he had written to send to the many people who request he do any number of things including reviewing manuscripts, appearing on TV, giving professional advice, giving a public speech and interpreting Scripture.
"I'm almost not doing anything that can't be done at home," Berry wrote toward the end of his poem. "To your health, Friend! Try staying home yourself."
When faced with an invitation to a personal gathering after 15 months of adapting to a life of virtual connectivity, the right thing is to respond honestly and simply decline if you'd prefer not to go. I cherish the moments now that I get to stay home especially now that I don't have to.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.
(c) 2021 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
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