Should any topics be off limits at a holiday meal?
Every year around this time, I am asked for ideas on how best to navigate discussions around the Thanksgiving dinner table, particularly when you know that there might be some attendees who have strongly divergent viewpoints. And every year, I encourage people to try to find a way to talk to one another civilly and with respect.
People’s views on various issues do vary widely and differences are bound to find their way to dinner table discussion. In its third annual “The State of the Sides” report, Campbell’s Soup Company found that 56% of respondents to its survey said they’d prefer eating side dishes to eating turkey. Does this give guests free rein in criticizing the main dish served up on the platter? Certainly not. It is, after all, possible to think positively about one thing without tearing down another. It’s also good to remember to show some grace to the person who put the time into preparing the meal.
It's possible, for instance, to extol the virtues of a good stuffing or dressing, the number one choice for a side dish in the 2024 survey, without besmirching the homemade mashed potatoes it dethroned from its first-place perch last year. The report doesn’t distinguish between dressing and stuffing, although I will maintain that there is a clear and obvious distinction even if I am roundly challenged on this by dinner guests each year.
And it is still possible for there to be generational mutual respect even if Gen Z seems to be more drawn to the mac and cheese side (number five on this year’s list, down from third last year) than it is to the stuffing and dressing or mashed potatoes preferred by Baby Boomers.
While it examines favorite Thanksgiving Day activities including watching football or playing board games, nowhere in “State of the Sides” report is the appropriateness of discussing politics mentioned. Links to recipes for cheddar horseradish mashed potatoes, yes. Opinions on when it’s appropriate to start listening to holiday music, of course. But if you’re looking for insight into what most people talk about during the Thanksgiving meal, you’re on your own.
The right thing, of course, is for every family to set the tone or tradition. About 20 years ago, when he was 6 years old, right before dessert, our oldest grandson announced to the table that he thought we should go around and each offer either something for which we were thankful or sing a song. Given that it was also his birthday, that seemed both a timely idea and simple enough to do.
When asked, however, I remind people that when it comes to fraught issues like politics, they have the absolute right to change the subject if they’d prefer not to engage. Changing the subject without making the person feel small or like an idiot for bringing it up strikes me as the right way to go. And honoring that person’s request to move on to other topics is the appropriate response. You can’t really have a discussion if the other person doesn’t want to engage.
If your family loves a heated discussion, then have at it. Again, every family should set its own traditions. If you’re at a loss, consider showing some kindness with a song or story.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
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