How honest should you be with your opinions?
A reader we’re calling Minerva and her neighbor Hermes regularly loan books to one another. Minerva wrote that they have a good sense of the types of books one another like, so when they read something that seems up their neighbor’s alley, they offer the loan. Typically, the loan works out well, Minerva reported. Often each of them is introduced to a new writer or title they had not discovered before.
Last week, Hermes loaned Minerva a book that she was particularly high on. It was a “light read” Minerva said Hermes told her, and it was set in a part of New England each of them knew and Hermes figured Minerva would enjoy the read.
She didn’t.
“It is a terribly written book,” Minerva wrote. “I suspect it was self-published and didn’t have an editor to try to make the writing stronger than it was.”
To be fair, some self-published books are well-written. But Minerva is correct to point out that many are not and are simply vanity projects that their authors pay to turn into a book. Apparently, based on Minerva’s report, the loaned book from Hermes fell into the latter camp.
Fair enough. Not every book or piece of writing is a gem. But Minerva wants to know if she should be honest with Hermes about how awful she found this recent loan to be.
She doesn’t want to be insulting since she knows Hermes really liked the book. “I also don’t want to risk not being offered books to borrow in the future.”
“Should I tell her just how much I hated the book?” Minerva asks. “Or should I just say ‘thank you’ when I return it and hope I’m not asked how I liked it? If I’m asked should I pretend I liked it to avoid hurting feelings?”
If Minerva didn’t like the book, she should not lie to Hermes about liking it. If they typically report back to one another on how they liked the loaned book, then it might be odd to say nothing. But if she chooses not to, Minerva doesn’t need to go into excruciating detail about just how much she loathed the book. She can simply say that she didn’t care for it and let it rest at that.
Sissela Bok, the author of Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life, believes that truth dumping goes beyond the call for honesty and can even, on occasion, careen into cruel behavior.
Thanking Hermes for the loan and letting her know this one was not her cup of tea but that she looks forward to the next recommendation strikes me as the right thing to do. It also sends a message to Hermes that it’s OK to tell Minerva when one of her recommendations misses the mark.
Presumably, Minerva and Hermes’ friendship is strong enough to handle a gently offered truth, especially if it’s in the interest of continuing to exchange a few good titles.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.
(c) 2025 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
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