Are we ethically obligated to forgive someone? That question arrived from a reader a few weeks ago and, lest he hold a grudge for me not attempting to answer, I am going to give answering it a whirl.
Putting aside hard-held beliefs by some that we “forgive and forget” or “turn the other cheek,” how much of an ethical responsibility do we have to do so? Some depends on what the transgression was and who we are.
If the transgression was slight (failing to hold a door open for the person behind us, not sharing a friend’s like for a favorite book or movie, wearing white shoes after Labor Day), there seems little reason for putting off forgiveness, especially when the transgressor might not even know there was anything to be forgiven. If the transgression is a bit more serious (quietly rooting for the Yankees in a Red Sox household), it might take some more time to fashion forgiveness, but seems hardly worth losing a relationship over.
There are times, however, when someone does something that strikes the recipient as so egregious, they just can’t bring themselves to forgive the person. When, for example, a boss is unsupportive or dismissive of an employee, is it any surprise that the employee may not find the ability to forgive? Or if a friend goes to prison for writing hundreds of bad checks including some to us, are we really ethically obligated to forgive?
Some, as I wrote earlier, depends who we are. If we decide everyone deserves a second chance and shouldn’t be judged by one action, then perhaps forgiveness is warranted. Does that mean we should recommend that overbearing boss for a job or trust our finances to the check kiting friend? Does that mean we should not warn a friend who asks about what that awful boss was like to work for? No, of course not. Even if forgiveness is granted, it doesn’t automatically trigger amnesia about whatever the transgression might have been. Sure, “forgive and forget” can work just fine for minor infractions. For greater ones that might have set someone’s life askew, forgetting might be too much to ask.
We shouldn’t force anyone to have to forgive someone unless they truly want to forgive them. And that forgiveness should only come when the genuine desire exists to forgive. Otherwise, it is a hollow gesture.
It’s important to remember, however, that the act of forgiveness gives us no claim to moral righteousness, nor does it guarantee that everything between us and whoever wronged us over whatever will be set straight. Whoever wronged my longtime reader who asked if we are ethically obligated to forgive someone may find that the person who wronged him doesn’t give one whit if my reader forgives him or not. If he cares to remember the incident at all, the person who wronged him may maintain that he did nothing that needs forgiveness.
If we’re going to forgive someone for something, the right thing is to do so when we genuinely want to forgive, even if we receive no acknowledgment of that forgiveness in return.
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