Are you obligated to fulfill a promise to someone even if doing so might feel unappreciated?
A reader we're calling Renza emailed recently to ask for advice. When Renza's aunt was dying she asked Renza to promise her that she would call her uncle, her aunt's husband, at least once a month. Renza promised that she would.
"I was never really close to my uncle," wrote Renza. "There were a few times when he was really inappropriate and I told him off while my aunt was still alive." Nevertheless, Renza called her uncle faithfully for the first two years after her aunt's death. For the first eight months or so, he would pick up the phone and they would talk for about an hour. For the past year, however, Renza reported that he never picks up the phone and that she has not spoken to him.
"I promised my aunt I would call every month," wrote Renza, "but is it harassment on my part if I keep calling him if he doesn't pick up the phone or return calls?" Renza asked if she should keep calling him.
It was generous of Renza to agree to her aunt's request. Her attempt to honor her commitment to call her uncle monthly has been impressive, even if he has shown little outward appreciation for her calls.
As long as Renza's uncle doesn't ask her to stop calling, I don't believe she is harassing him by trying to call him. She is simply honoring her aunt's request.
Honoring a commitment made to someone who is dying can be challenging, particularly if you never fully felt comfortable with the request being made. About 15 years ago, I wrote about an incident where the children of a dying woman promised their mother they would not have a wake for her since she didn't want one. But after meeting with resistance from other family members who really wanted her to have a wake, they agreed to do so. In that column 15 years ago, I mentioned other instances where those who made promises found it challenging to honor those promises or simply didn't want to.
I wrote at the time that "a promise is a promise. If you make one, the right thing is to make every effort to honor it, whether the person is on a deathbed or still living. There are, however, times when circumstances prevent you from honoring a deathbed promise as you wish you could or, obviously, discussing the issue with the deceased."
In Renza's case, there's nothing really preventing her from making the monthly call to her uncle, even if those calls go unanswered. My suggestion would be that she continue to honor her aunt's request unless her uncle asks her to stop.
Renza has no idea if her uncle listens to any voicemails she might leave. She doesn't know if simply getting the call provides him some solace even if he doesn't talk to Renza. But her promise was to her aunt and as long as she can continue to fulfill that promise, doing so would be the right thing. Rather than worry about being a bother, perhaps Renza might try to feel good about herself for honoring her commitment to do something that gave her aunt some piece as she was dying.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
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(c) 2025 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
1 comment:
Renza’s aunt made that request of her because she thought the calls would be a source of comfort for her husband. My guess is that she would appreciate the effort Renza made to honor her wishes and would “let her off the hook” for not continuing to make those calls when they seem to be unappreciated or even a possible source of irritation to her uncle. Maybe she could write a letter or email to her uncle to tell him what she’s thinking.
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