Should you encourage someone to be their "authentic self" if you know the person is authentically selfish, dismissive, condescending and often just an authentically unpleasant person?
A reader we're calling Lily wrote about her friend who asked her advice on how he could become his more authentic self. Lily gathered that her friend had been reading about the importance of authenticity in the workplace to advance his career and wanted to try it. After he asked Lily her advice, however, she hesitated because she knew if her friend truly revealed his authentic self, others might see how self-absorbed and dismissive he could be. Lily suspects her friend wants to be perceived as having better character traits. She wonders how honest she should be in giving him advice on being more authentic.
I understand Lily's hesitation. While she might be in the habit of encouraging friends to be themselves, she doesn’t want to encourage a friend to impose a version of himself on others that makes life unpleasant for them.
"Authenticity" is one of those concepts that, like many ideas that become popular in management writing, can morph into empty jargon. Authenticity just means something is genuine. Being authentic doesn’t guarantee kindness, self-awareness or good character.
Someone can be authentically selfish or condescending. Being genuine doesn't make those behaviors admirable.
Striving to be authentic also doesn’t automatically translate into honest behavior. If Lily's friend is trying to manufacture an "authentic" persona because he thinks it will help him advance in his career, he's on shaky ground. Faking authenticity is fundamentally dishonest.
What should Lily do?
She should ask her friend what exactly he is trying to achieve. If he's willing to be specific, Lily can offer honest advice about those goals.
Does he want to become a better manager, have more productive relationships with colleagues, earn trust, or advance in his career? Those are concrete things Lily can discuss with him.
Her advice might include leveling with him that some of his behavior might be getting in his way. If he wants to be a better manager, for example, dismissing other people's ideas isn't a sign of strength. If he wants colleagues to trust him, being self-absorbed makes that harder.
Lily doesn’t need to tell her friend not to be himself. But she can help him distinguish between his personality and his behavior.
Her friend isn’t alone in having traits that we might not want to over-emphasize at work. If we’re an impatient person, that doesn’t mean we should interrupt others during a meeting. If we fancy ourselves a straight talker, that doesn’t require us to be cruel in our assessment of others. If Lily advises her friend to listen better or reconsider some of his less-appealing behaviors, she isn’t advising him to be fake. Instead, she may be pointing out that self-control and consideration can be more valuable than authenticity in the workplace.
Instead of telling her friend how to become more authentic, Lily should help him figure out what his goals are and what he might actually want to change about his behavior. If he still wants her opinion she should be honest and offer her advice on what she believes he might do to get where he wants to go. Instead of helping others become more authentic, sometimes the right thing might be to help them become someone who other people are glad to have around.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.
(c) 2026 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC
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