How obligated is daughter-in-law after her father-in-law’s death?

 Not long ago, a reader’s father-in-law died. The reader, whom we’re calling Lakshmi, and her late husband lived close to the father-in-law and cared for him for many years before he died. Lakshmi’s husband had a sister we’re calling Paula, who lived far away. While Paula was regularly consulted about Lakshmi’s father-in-law’s care and finances, Paula had deferred to her brother on most decisions.

 

After her father-in-law’s death, Lakshmi remembered her father-in-law had a joint checking account with her husband that still had just over $300 in it when he died. Lakshmi’s name was put on the checking account after her husband had died, so she had access to the funds.

 

“I asked my sister-in-law what I should do with the money and she told me to keep it to use in case there were any unexpected costs like shipping her some of her father’s belongings,” wrote Lakshmi. Lakshmi did use some of the money to send Paula some photo albums and other mementos.

 

Lakshmi also took care of most of the funeral arrangements for her father-in-law and organized the memorial service for him since she was local. Paula was not and would have to fly in for the service.

 

But Lakshmi discovered that several hundred more dollars showed up in her late father-in-law’s account recently, which was technically now her account since she was the only living survivor of the joint account holders. Apparently, a refund of one kind or another was directly deposited.

 

“It’s not a lot of money,” Lakshmi wrote. “But it is more than what the amount was when I first told Paula about the account.”

 

Lakshmi wants to know if she should bother telling Paula about these new funds or if she should just assume she should follow Paula’s directive to keep the money and use it for incidentals related to her father-in-law’s death.

 

Losing a parent as Paula had has to have been tough. Losing both a husband and a father-in-law as Lakshmi had while having to arrange for memorial services and sort out finances must have been tough and consuming. I’m hopeful Paula knowing that Lakshmi was nearby during her father’s final days was a comfort to her.

 

I am not an estate lawyer and do not know the specifics of Lakshmi’s father-in-law’s will or if he even had one. But even if Lakshmi suspects she knows what Paula’s response would be, the right thing is for Lakshmi to let Paula know about the money and ask her what she’d like to do with it.

 

Letting Paula know isn’t the right thing to do simply to avoid a potential confrontation if she were to find out later and wonder why she hadn’t been told. It’s the right thing to do because it was Paula’s father, and Lakshmi and her late husband before her had always involved Paula in such decisions. Honoring that arrangement also honors the memories of the loved ones they lost. May their memories continue to be a blessing.

 

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.

(c) 2022 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Should I help Ukrainians when a nonprofit’s values don’t match my own?

A reader we’re calling Grace has written to ask if she’s being too judgmental in response to a friend’s mass email encouraging friends to donate to efforts to help the people of Ukraine as they face the Russian invasion.

 

“Is it wrong for me not to want to contribute to a nonprofit that by all reports does good work, but also has a history of vocally disapproving of same-sex marriage or adoptions?” wrote Grace.

 

Grace writes that she knows her friend does approve of same-sex marriages and adoptions. But she wonders why the friend is promoting an agency that is known to be against such things.

 

“I want to help,” wrote Grace. “But not through this agency.”

 

Grace wanted to know if in addition to not making a contribution whether she should let her friend know why.

 

Stephen Carter, in his book Integrity (Basic Books, 1996), lays out three steps that are essential to integrity. The first is discernment, the second is to act on what you discern, and the third is to state openly what you have done and why you have done it. Grace has achieved Carter’s first two steps. She has discerned why she doesn’t want to support this agency and she has acted on that discernment. The third act would indeed require that she say something to her friend.

 

In following up with Grace, I learned that she did say something to her friend. Grace was relieved that her friend did not seem to take offense or to sense Grace was passing judgment on her. Her friend explained she felt it was urgent to take some action to support the people of Ukraine and that nonprofit had a strong history of getting donated funds to intended recipients.

 

Grace did the right thing, but she was left truly wanting to help the people of Ukraine as well. She chose to donate $108 to the International Rescue Committee, whose reputation was strong for the work it was doing in Poland to help displaced families with supplies they needed.

 

But there are many ways to support Ukrainian families and any number of agencies that do so. Chef José Andrés’ World Central Kitchen, for example, is on the ground in Ukraine working with local restaurants to supply meals to Ukrainian families. And some have found ways to donate directly to Ukrainians by booking rooms through platforms like AirBnb that they never intend to occupy. “A small and nice way to help Ukraine,” wrote my friend Yael Bar tur on Twitter who had booked a room in Ukraine, “and I got a nice message from my host this morning.”

 

Grace was smart to do due diligence on a nonprofit to make sure her values aligned with its values. But she went further to do the right thing by not stopping there, but instead finding a way to help when the need for help is urgent.

 

When many are in need and many have a desire to help, the right thing is not to get stuck on the many reasons not to donate, but instead to find a way to help. Grace did that. So did Grace’s friend. And so can the rest of us if we are so inclined.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.

(c) 2022 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Am I my neighbor’s snow remover?

Boston residents can be tenacious when it comes to snow. Try moving someone’s space saver — often a safety cone, but just as often an old lawn chair or kitchen chair — after they’ve cleared a parking space in South Boston and all havoc can break loose. It got so contentious over the past years that the city now warns residents that space savers must be removed within 48 hours after a snow emergency has ended.

The city is even tougher about homeowners clearing the sidewalks around their houses. Snow must be cleared from the sidewalks within three hours after snow has stopped falling. Fines can range from $50 to $150 per day for each day snow is not removed.

A reader we’re calling Khione who is a long-time Boston resident is familiar with the city’s snow fines. She also writes that she’s familiar with the fines the city imposes for allowing weeds from your yard to creep over into the street, but that’s a different season. Khione wrote to ask what the right thing to do was when she knew a neighbor who owns a home a couple of houses down was out of state for a family funeral and wasn’t likely to return in time to clear snow off her walk in the requisite time permitted.

“She knew the snow was coming,” Khione writes. “And she let me know that she had hired someone to clear the walk in front of her house for her.”

After the snow fell, Khione cleared her own walks, but noticed her neighbor’s walk remained uncleared. Figuring the person the neighbor hired might have several houses to clear out, Khione retired to her living room with a book and a nice cup of tea.

“The next morning, I looked out and saw that her walk still wasn’t clear,” wrote Khione. “She had paid someone to do the work, but it clearly wasn’t getting done. Should I feel obligated to clear the walk for her since I know she can’t do it herself?”

Obligated? Absolutely not. Khione is obligated to clear her own walk, which she did. Her neighbor is obligated to make sure her own walk gets cleared if she wants to avoid a possible fine.

But there are times when choosing to do something only because we are obligated to do it doesn’t sit right. It just doesn’t feel like enough. Sure, no one will fine Khione if her neighbor’s walk isn’t cleared. But if Khione cares about her neighbor, knows she is out of town for a family funeral and also believes the neighbor’s claim of having tried to meet her clearing obligations, it would be kind to take the time to clear her walk for her.

Khione doesn’t have to clear her neighbor’s walk. She doesn’t have to be concerned that her neighbor might get a fine. But if she cares about her neighbor and wants to make the walks clear enough for everyone in the neighborhood to pass, then the right thing is to grab her shovel and clear her neighbor’s walk. I’m not suggesting the tea might taste even better for having done a neighbor a favor, but her book and tea will be waiting for her after she is done.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy and director of the communications program at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin.

(c) 2022 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.