Should she give business another chance?

Should you do business again with a business that disappointed you?

A reader we’re calling Sylvia ordered a gift from a company online for her partner, who we’re calling Ian. According to Sylvia, she placed the order in plenty of time for it to arrive for a holiday gift based on the estimated arrival date given her by the company’s website.

As the holiday grew nearer and no package arrived, Sylvia grew concerned so she contacted the company. The response from the company was that the package had been delivered and that she should check with her local post office. Sylvia dutifully did as instructed and consulted both her postal carrier and her local post office, each of whom told her there was no record of a package having been delivered to her residence.

Sylvia again emailed the company – repeatedly after it did not respond to her initial follow-up email. She still has heard nothing from the company.

The bad news is that Ian never got the gift. The good news is that Sylvia’s credit card company investigated the report of unreceived goods and credited her account so Sylvia did not end up paying for something she didn’t receive.

“I should have done this before ordering, but I went online and Googled the company and found that others had similar issues with it,” wrote Sylvia, who originally found the item from an advertisement that popped up when she was searching for possible gifts. Others reported ordering and paying for items that never arrived and subsequent customer service silence. Had she known the company had a bit of a spotty reputation, Sylvia believes she would have moved on and ordered something else from somewhere else.

But a few days ago, Sylvia received an email from the same company offering her a coupon for a significant percentage off the price of any item plus free shipping.

“The thing is, I like a lot of the items the company offers,” Sylvia wrote, indicating she remains burned by her last experience. Still, she asks: “Would it be wrong to give the company another try?”

What? Huh? There is absolutely no reason for Sylvia to feel obligated to forgive the past behavior of the company. It would be more foolish than wrong to engage again with a company that didn’t deliver the goods ordered, didn’t offer a credit until the credit card company got involved and did nothing to make good on Sylvia’s initial purchase.

Had the company stepped up and tried to help Sylvia when her initial order didn’t arrive, it might be more tempting to give the company another try. But the company did nothing, zilch, nada, leaving Sylvia high and dry and searching for a last-minute gift replacement for her beloved Ian.

The right thing is for Sylvia to trust her experience and that reported by others and to find another source of gifts for Ian and others. To paraphrase Maya Angelou: If a company shows you who it is, believe it the first time.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Looking back at another year of doing the right thing

 
A year ago, at the end of 2022, after looking at the analytics for the website where The Right Thing column gets posted after it has run in publications, it was clear that readers were drawn most to columns that touched on neighborly activity, appropriate levels of criticism and paying college students for the work they do.

In 2023, the top six viewed columns focused on leaving jobs gracefully, maintaining privacy after death, showing gratitude in tough times and learning how to support children without doing their work for them.

The sixth-most-viewed column, “If I don’t like my boss, should I flee?” ran in mid-February. In it I wrote that ultimately, the right thing to do if you don’t like your boss is not to flee the premises in search of new opportunities – although that’s sometimes an option – but instead to ask yourself just how much whatever we don’t like about the boss affects whether you can do the work you’d like to do.

The fifth-most-viewed column, “Parents should support but not do a child’s homework for them,” ran in early April. I wrote then and believe now that it is totally appropriate for parents to help a child with schoolwork as vigorously and supportively as they can, but to stop short of doing the work for them.

My Feb. 12 column, “Gratitude after a terrible week,” was in response to some particularly challenging events that my family was facing and the observation that we often don’t know what challenges others are facing. I borrowed some words that Oliver Sacks wrote when he was facing death: “I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude.”

June 4’s column, “How much privacy are we owed in death?” concluded that it was ultimately up to the chosen recipient of a deceased family member’s letters to decide how much, if anything, to disclose to others about what was in those letters.

On July 9, I wrote in “Keep the pearls, lose the rest” about when it was time to let go of old documents expressing anger or disappointment. I resolved to try to embrace the advice of an old friend who pointed out that this is what shredders are for. “Try to dwell on the bright moments of the past,” he wrote and shred whatever irritates.

Finally, by far the most viewed Right Thing column of the year was June’s “Choosing to say goodbye with a book.” As I was packing up my office to shift to emeritus status and move into different digs, I offered any book from my shelves that a visiting student might want. On a practical level, it meant less stuff to move. But it also meant that former students could have another little piece of my heart in book form.

Thank you, as always, for continuing to email your questions, stories and reactions for The Right Thing column. May your year continue to be full of doing the right thing while surrounded by those in your life who choose to do the same.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

 

 

A compelling example of powerful storytelling

Twenty-three years ago, I wrote a column about how storytelling was an effective tool to communicate ideas.

''People just don't simply hear stories,'' Joseph L. Badaracco Jr., a business ethics professor at Harvard Business School, told me. ''It triggers things -- pictures, thoughts and associations -- in their minds.'' That makes the stories ''more powerful and engaging,'' he said.

The challenge for such storytelling was captured in the titles my editor gave the column: “Storytelling Only Works if Tales are True.” If in the effort to convey an idea, the storyteller clearly crosses the line and simply makes stuff up, the power of the story is lost on the audience.

“The real challenge for any storyteller in business,” I concluded, “is to know that for the message of the story to ring true, the facts of it must have integrity as well.”

I bring this up now because I recently came across two examples of not-for-profit organizations using storytelling as powerful ways to address the needs of two different groups of people: military veterans and hospitalized children.

SongwritingWith: Soldiers (https://songwritingwithsoldiers.org/) runs regular retreats for veterans at which, among other things, they work with seasoned songwriters to help them tell their own stories through a song. (Full disclosure: My favorite oldest grandchild is active military although he has no association with SW:S.) The veterans are not professional musicians, but work with those who are. Judging from some of the songs that can be found online, the results are quite something – not just for the quality of the songs, but mostly because veterans are given a way to articulate their experiences that otherwise might have gone untold. (There are other groups using music as a therapeutic tool with military veterans, some of which can be found here: https://www.operationwearehere.com/musictherapy.html.)

Writers Inc. (https://www.writersincorporated.org/) also uses storytelling as a therapeutic tool, but the participants in this program are hospitalized children. Working with seasoned writers and editors, hospitalized children are helped to tell their own stories. Some of these stories end up as published books. Others create illustrated cards or painting. Writers Inc. works to find the best outlet for each child to tell his, her or their story. The child retains all copyright to any book published. (Full disclosure: One of my favorite former graduate students is one of the writers working with hospitalized children through Writers Inc.)

There is no charge to the military veterans or hospitalized children who participate in either program, which is a pretty good story itself.

Writers Inc. and SW:S are not the only programs that aim to use the arts as a method of enabling hospitalized children or military veterans to share and manage their respective experiences. But these two are strong examples of how powerful storytelling can be.

During a season where charitable giving is often more top of mind, I share the story of these two not-for-profits that operate based on the kindness of those who see fit to help foot the bill for the cost of operating. Of course, the right thing is for each of us to decide what charitable efforts we choose to support. Nevertheless, both SW:S and Writers Inc. have a compelling story to tell.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

 

Time to share your acts of kindness

Once again, I’m asking you to share moments of kindness you’ve experienced. I’ll start by sharing a few recent incidents that occurred during a recent trip to go teach for a few days in Morocco.

There are no direct flights from Boston to Casablanca, so a change was required on the trip over at JFK Airport in New York. The flight from Boston was on schedule, but the connecting flight from JFK was delayed several hours.

After repeated delays, the airline offered food vouchers of a modest amount to passengers waiting for the flight that could be used at any of the restaurants or stands selling snacks in the airport. People collected their vouchers and some went off searching for food. There was one family with three small children in tow among the passengers. The children were well-behaved but clearly were growing restless. Without hesitation several passengers offered the family their vouchers so they could go sit for a meal before the flight.

Later, as my phone was nearly depleted of its charge, I found a charging station where many passengers, including me, lined up their devices to be plugged in. As I sat waiting, a young man walked up, plugged in his phone and sat next to me. We got to talking and I discovered that he had just graduated college in New Zealand and was flying home after a week with his father in New York City where neither of them had ever been. The morning of their departure, the father and son had a bit of a tiff and while the son went off to the airport, the father told him he’d meet him later.

The son was growing nervous because his departure time was getting closer and he saw no sign of his father. After his phone had charged, he showed me a couple of photos of him and his dad on their trip, and then he went off in search of him in the airport.

A few minutes later, I saw a man who looked like his father, approached him, and told him his son was looking for him. He looked befuddled at first and then went off in search of his son. Because the airport was crowded, they apparently kept passing each other. Eventually, I saw the son, asked him to wait where I was and then went off to find where I had just seen his father go. Finally, they were reunited.

Later in Rabat, after deciding to take the local bus into town, I hadn’t realized I would need to transfer midway. Being deposited in a small village and not speaking Arabic, I had no idea how to ask about getting on the right bus. A woman who must have seen me searching around for clues, came up to me, asked, “Rabat?” and then held up fingers to represent the number of the bus I needed to get on.

In each case, someone, including me, tried to do the right thing by showing kindness to someone else in need.

Now, it’s time for you to share some acts of kindness you’ve experienced. Tell me who and where you are and email your stories to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. I will try to share some of your stories in the weeks ahead.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

In spite of Machiavelli, I will choose love over fear every time

“They will eat you alive.”

Those words are advice I received when I started teaching at my last academic outpost. The speaker was commenting on how important it was not to show vulnerability when I taught or to give those in the room a sense of when, if ever, I thought I may have erred and needed to correct myself out loud in the process of teaching.

I mostly ignored the advice and find it pretty useful not to try to convince students that I know stuff when I don’t, regardless of how often that is. But the advice stuck with me.

What also stuck with me is the colleague who occasionally introduced me as one of the nicest people on campus, but in a way that seemed to suggest this wasn’t a good thing. In the southern United States, there’s an expression, “Bless his heart,” which sounds positive when it is the opposite.

That vulnerability and niceness are seen as a leadership weakness is nothing new. In the early 16th century, Niccolo Machiavelli wrote “The Prince,” a book that was intended to advise Lorenzo di Piero de’ Medici, the ruler of Florence, how to stay in power. In “The Prince,” Machiavelli wrote that “it is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”

His reasoning might strike some as sound. “Men worry less about doing an injury to one who makes himself loved than to one who makes himself feared,” wrote Machiavelli. “For love is secured by a bond of gratitude which men, wretched creatures that they are, break when it is to their advantage to do so; but fear is strengthened by a dread of punishment which is always effective.”

In other words, we have a better shot of getting people to fall in line if they fear the consequences of doing otherwise. When push comes to shove, they might break with us even if they love us since the consequences are less dire.

The term “Machiavellian” has come to have sinister overtones and to connote someone who is unscrupulous particularly when it comes to politics. The sense that you should choose fear over love as a leadership tactic when you can’t have both remains pervasive.

Fear can indeed be a great motivator. But I refuse to buy that it represents a better outcome in any type of relationship. If you want followers to help you lead or do whatever it is you want to accomplish, the chances of them speaking their mind when it might go counter to what you believe are lessened if they quiver in fear. If instead they respect (or love) you, then the chances are greater that they will offer ideas that might never have crossed your mind or run counter to what they know to be your typical way of doing things.

Leading by fear too often leads to bullying others into accepting that it’s your way or the highway. Leading with love and respect – and vulnerability – is more likely to lead to a shared vision or goal.

Competence is important, yes. Preparation is critical. But if given the choice between working for someone whom I fear vs. someone I love and respect, I will continue to believe the latter is the right thing to do. I will also continue to try to lead the same way whenever given the opportunity.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

When someone’s name slips our memory

A reader from California who we’re calling Harry has been reading “The Right Thing” column for many years. Over the past 15 years or so, I’ve received an occasional email from Harry responding to the content of a column or offering his own bit of wisdom to a situation about which I’ve written.

Harry now faces an awkward situation for which he’d like some guidance. He’s been retired for several years, but he still attends functions where former coworkers are also in attendance.

“Unfortunately, in some cases I cannot remembers the names of some folks who know my name and greet me with gusto,” wrote Harry. “It feels awkward to ask, and I don’t want my memory lapse to cause hurt feelings, although it feels just as awkward to flail about hoping for a clue.”

In his email, Harry asks what the most ethical way to proceed might be, finishing with the observation that my answer might come in handy at some upcoming college reunions he hopes to attend.

It can indeed be awkward to forget names even if you remember faces. In The Simple Art of Business Etiquette, a book I wrote a few years ago, I suggested that one way to try to offset the forgotten name was to introduce someone whose name you did remember to the person whose name you didn’t and hope that that person would be courteous enough to introduce themselves by name.

But that’s not a technique that always works in workplace settings. It strikes me that the only wrong response for Harry to make would be to lie or make something up or pretend to know something he doesn’t know.

If Harry is having a good conversation with someone, then there’s no need to stop that conversation to admit that you don’t know the person’s name, unless there’s some compelling reason right then to need to know it. Instead, Harry could finish that conversation and then find a former coworker whose name he did remember and ask for a refresher on any names on which he feels the need.

Harry is kind not to want to make anyone feel slighted because he can’t always remember their name. There are likely just as many people at these gatherings who don’t remember Harry’s name either. But the right thing may be not to make more of the situation than needs making.

Perhaps Harry’s current predicament is exactly why name tags with a person’s name and graduation year are commonplace at college reunions. I’ve yet to attend a high school or college reunion, but if I did at this point it’s likely few of my classmates would recognize me. Few of us had white hair and beard when we were in school. It’s likely that many if not most wouldn’t remember me or my name.

Nevertheless, we can persist in having a conversation and catching up on what if anything we would like to catch up on. Treating one another decently and civilly seems far more important than remembering all the names perfectly.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com. 

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.