Does treating someone badly warrant a lack of civility in
return?
A reader from Ontario, Canada, and her spouse were going
through a rough patch with her teenage daughter. The problem was nothing
extraordinary, but simply the type of behavior many parents of teens face as
their children struggle for independence. Suddenly, a usually compliant child
has turned into a young adult who wants to make decisions on his/her own. Some
of these decisions can upset parents.
Because the reader was consumed by her daughter's
behavior, she found herself more distracted than usual.
"When I was at the post office, a young girl -- 14
or so -- held the door open for me," she wrote. "I was so distraught
I could not respond."
When no "thank you" was forthcoming from the
reader, the teen said in a very sour voice, "Well, thank yoooooooou!"
In light of what was going on in the reader's life at the time, she now wishes
she'd the presence of mind to tell the girl what holding that door had meant to
her.
It's not unusual for people to become distracted by daily
concerns to the point of forgetting to acknowledge the small acts of kindness
around them. The reader is correct: The right thing would have been to stop
fretting about her daughter long enough to thank the girl for her kindness in
holding the door.
Still, people make mistakes. Years ago, when I was
shopping before work at the original Filene's Basement in downtown Boston, a
fellow shopper shouted at me after I'd passed him in the aisle.
"Don't you say 'excuse me'?" he asked. When I
looked at him in confusion, he shouted for all to hear, "The guy just hit
me with his briefcase and he doesn't bother to say 'excuse me'!" I was
certain he was correct and that my overstuffed briefcase must have struck him
as I walked by, but I'd been completely oblivious.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't know."
The apology didn't satisfy him, but each of us went on our way.
Did the reader's missed "thank you" call for a
snarky response from the young door holder? No. The right thing would have been
for the teen to simply hold the door and recognize that she'd done something
nice for someone. A "thank you" would have been appropriate, but the
lack of one doesn't diminish the kindness of her action. Her words did, turning
a kind act into a churlish hurl of words.
Be kind, but don't turn on someone if they're not kind in
return. Their actions should not alter your original intent. Some people, like
the reader, are simply preoccupied and most often do not let acts of kindness
pass unnoticed.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Right Thing: Conscience, Profit and Personal Responsibility in Today's Business and The Good, the Bad, and Your Business: Choosing Right When Ethical Dilemmas Pull You Apart, is a lecturer in public policy and director of the communications programat Harvard's Kennedy School.
Follow him on Twitter: @jseglin
Do you have ethical questions that you need answered? Send them to rightthing@comcast.net.
(c) 2014 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNECONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
1 comment:
The young girl was simply wrong. if she did a good deed, so be it. If she expected and did it for a reward, she shouldn't have done it.
The briefcase issue is a little different in that the person who was hit felt an apology was in order and it was. He also probably overdid it but at least he had somewhat of a reason.
Alan Owseichik
Greenfield,Ma
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