The 1982 movie “Diner” is essentially about old high school friends who return to Baltimore for a friend’s wedding. In one scene that takes place outside of a movie theater, the character Billy Howard (played by Tim Daly) breaks from his friends, walks over to the line and punches someone in the mouth, ostensibly to settle a score based on some long-ago infraction committed when they were in high school. Apparently, Billy had to wait for the right moment to even things up.
When I saw the movie back then, Billy’s punch got a good laugh from the audience, and then the action (such as it was) of the movie moved on. No further mention was made that I recall of the grudge or Billy’s punch.
But Billy’s long-delayed punch raises the question of how long we should hold a grudge, and a follow-up question of whether punching someone is ever an acceptable way to settle old grievances.
It’s common for people to feel slighted or aggrieved by someone else’s actions. A family member may continue to needle you about an embarrassing childhood incident you would sooner everyone forgot. A classmate who promised you his notes from a class you had to miss never came through. A colleague at work takes a bit too much credit for a project you each contributed to equally. A boss regularly fails to acknowledge you at company meetings. Your neighbor never returned a post hole digger he borrowed five years ago.
If any such issues aren’t addressed at the time, they have a way of festering and turning into something that might feel far graver than the initial incident.
Is it wrong to hold a grudge? Not really I suppose, but it seems far healthier to learn from such incidents and decide whether to rely on that same classmate again or whether the boss’ inattention at meetings gets in the way of you doing your job and proceeding on whatever career path you’ve set your sights upon. With the needling family member, a better response might be to simply take him aside and ask him to knock it off.
But is there anything inherently unethical about holding a grudge if it is based on something that truly bothers you? I don’t believe so.
Now, to the second part of the question: Is it ever OK to punch a guy waiting in line for a movie to even an old score? Assaulting someone in response to an old grudge seems disproportionate and wrong.
Granted, not doing so means that guy in line might always believe he got away with treating you badly (if he remembers you at all), but self-defense can’t be claimed by punching someone in the face when they least expect it.
In considering whether to settle an old score, the right thing is either to consider how to do so in a way that is proportionate to the original action, or to not let the incident fester by addressing it soon after it occurs.
Or just chalk it up to some people not recognizing how even the smallest of actions can be disappointing or hurtful and try to let it go.
Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of "The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice," is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.
Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter @jseglin
(c) 2023 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
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